When reactions in a relationship seem bigger than the moment

Couples don’t arrive in a relationship as blank slates. We bring with us previous relationships, childhood experiences, losses, betrayals and our own ways of protecting ourselves when something feels threatening.

Most of the time, this history sits quietly in the background. At other times, something happening with our partner touches it directly.

A partner becomes distant and the feeling isn’t simply disappointment but abandonment. A relatively ordinary criticism produces an unexpectedly powerful sense of shame or failure. An argument ends, but one person remains emotionally flooded for hours afterwards. Following an affair, a phone notification or an unexplained change of plan can bring back the shock of the original discovery almost instantly.

In these situations, it can be useful to look beyond the immediate disagreement and ask what else may be contributing to the intensity of the reaction.

This is where EMDR can sometimes have a place within trauma-informed couples therapy.

EMDR works with these experiences through a structured therapeutic process which can include bilateral stimulation, often using guided eye movements or other forms of alternating stimulation.

The purpose is not to remove a memory or change the facts of what happened. Rather, the aim is to help the experience become more fully processed so that remembering it, or encountering something that resembles it, no longer carries the same emotional force.

For some couples, reducing that force can create more room to respond to one another in the present.

Why does the past appear so strongly in relationships?

Intimate relationships tend to reach places in us that other relationships don’t.

If you have experienced abandonment, your partner becoming distant may carry particular meaning. If criticism was a significant feature of your childhood, disappointment from somebody you love may be much harder to hear than you would like it to be. If previous relationships involved betrayal, uncertainty in your current relationship may quickly activate fear and suspicion.

The difficulty is that your partner is responding to the person in front of them, while at times part of your reaction may also belong to something that happened before them.

This doesn’t mean that every difficult reaction is caused by trauma, and it certainly doesn’t mean that genuine problems within the current relationship should be explained away as somebody’s “trigger”. Sometimes anger is appropriate. Sometimes trust has genuinely been damaged. Sometimes one partner needs to take responsibility for behaviour that is hurting the other.

Good trauma-informed couples therapy needs to be able to distinguish between these things rather than viewing every relationship difficulty through the same lens.

EMDR for emotional triggers between partners

One of the clearest reasons I might consider EMDR within couples work is when a particular interaction repeatedly produces an unusually powerful emotional response.

Perhaps you become overwhelmed when your partner withdraws. Perhaps criticism immediately leaves you feeling defective or worthless. You may become intensely anxious when you cannot reach your partner, or find yourself shutting down as soon as an argument becomes emotionally charged.

These reactions can become part of the couple’s wider pattern. One person reacts strongly, the other responds to that reaction, and before long both partners are caught in something that neither intended.

Couples therapy allows us to work with what happens between you when this cycle begins. Where an earlier traumatic or distressing experience is clearly feeding the reaction, EMDR may sometimes allow us to work with that part of the problem as well.

The aim isn’t to make somebody less emotional. It is to help separate what is happening now from what the present moment may have come to represent.

Affairs, betrayal and EMDR

An affair or serious betrayal can create trauma within the relationship itself.

For the betrayed partner, certain moments can remain particularly vivid: seeing a message, discovering an image, hearing an admission, learning that a particular explanation wasn’t true or suddenly realising that the relationship was not what they believed it to be.

Even after the immediate crisis has passed, reminders can reactivate the experience. A partner is late home. Their phone lights up. A particular name appears. There is a change in sexual behaviour or an unexplained period of silence. Suddenly the person is not simply responding to what is happening now; they are back in contact with the fear, shock or anger of what happened before.

EMDR can sometimes be useful with particular memories or triggers of this kind, but it is important not to confuse trauma processing with affair recovery.

Recovering from betrayal also requires relational work. There may be questions that need answering, responsibility that needs to be taken and trust that has to be rebuilt over time. The couple may need to understand both what happened and whether a sufficiently honest and secure relationship can be created afterwards.

EMDR can support parts of that process. It cannot do the relational work for the couple.

Childhood experiences, attachment and adult relationships

Some of what becomes activated between partners has its origins much earlier in life.

A child who learned to monitor an unpredictable parent’s mood may become an adult who is highly alert to changes in their partner’s tone. Someone who rarely received reassurance may find distance particularly difficult. Another person may have learned that the safest response to emotional intensity is to become quiet, self-contained and independent.

These strategies often made sense in the circumstances in which they developed. Problems arise when they continue operating automatically in a very different relationship many years later.

This can be particularly difficult for couples because the protective response of one person can unintentionally activate the vulnerability of the other. The more one partner seeks reassurance, the more pressured the other feels. The more the second partner withdraws, the more frightened the first becomes.

Understanding this history doesn’t remove personal responsibility, and it doesn’t mean that childhood provides an explanation for everything that happens in an adult relationship. What it can do is help us understand why particular patterns are so difficult to change simply by deciding to communicate differently.

EMDR after previous relationship trauma

Not all of the history entering a relationship comes from childhood.

Previous adult relationships can leave powerful emotional traces too. Infidelity, coercive or abusive relationships, sudden abandonment, bereavement, prolonged conflict or a painful separation can influence how somebody experiences trust and vulnerability with a later partner.

This can be confusing for both people. The current partner may feel that they are repeatedly being treated as though they are somebody from the past, while the person carrying the experience may understand intellectually that their new relationship is different but still struggle to feel safe.

Where specific experiences from a previous relationship remain highly distressing or easily activated, EMDR may sometimes be worth considering as part of the wider therapeutic work.

How I use EMDR within couples therapy

My work is first and foremost couples therapy. I don’t begin with the assumption that a couple needs EMDR simply because trauma appears somewhere in their history.

I begin by understanding the relationship: what brings you to therapy, what happens when things go wrong between you, where you become stuck, what has happened within the relationship and what each person brings with them.

Sometimes the work that follows is entirely relational. At other times, it becomes apparent that a particular trauma, betrayal or earlier experience is exerting considerable influence over what happens between the couple now.

In those circumstances, EMDR may sometimes be integrated into the work. In other situations, particularly where somebody needs more extensive individual trauma treatment, I may recommend working with a separate individual trauma therapist alongside our couples work.

The important point is that EMDR isn’t a separate objective that we try to fit the couple around. It is one therapeutic tool that may be useful when it serves the wider relationship work.

Trauma-informed couples therapy

I specialise in working with couples where the difficulties have often become entrenched or complex. This can include high conflict, emotional disconnection, affairs and betrayal, longstanding patterns of pursuing and withdrawing, powerful emotional triggers, trauma, attachment difficulties, ADHD and autism, or relationships where previous therapy hasn’t brought about the change the couple hoped for.

Trauma-informed work means taking seriously the experiences that each person brings into the relationship without assuming that those experiences explain everything.

We still need to look carefully at what is happening between you now. How do you communicate when something matters? What happens when one of you becomes overwhelmed? How is trust damaged and repaired? What allows each person to feel heard without the other disappearing from the conversation?

But where the past is repeatedly intruding into those moments, it can be important to work with that too.

Frequently asked questions about EMDR in couples therapy

Can EMDR actually be used as part of couples therapy?

Yes, in some circumstances. EMDR can be relevant when a traumatic experience, distressing memory or particular emotional trigger is having a significant effect on the relationship.

It isn’t something I use routinely with every couple. Whether it is appropriate depends on what is happening between the partners, the nature of the experience involved and whether there is sufficient safety and stability for trauma processing.

Does EMDR mean that our relationship problem is caused by trauma?

No. Couples become distressed for many reasons, and it would be unhelpful to explain every conflict in terms of trauma.

The question is whether an earlier or more recent traumatic experience is meaningfully contributing to what happens between you. If it isn’t, there may be no particular reason to use EMDR.

Can EMDR help after infidelity?

Sometimes. Particular moments associated with discovering an affair can remain extremely distressing and easily triggered. EMDR may be useful in processing some of these experiences.

It doesn’t replace the wider process of affair recovery. Honesty, accountability, understanding what happened and rebuilding trust remain central pieces of the couples work.

What if the trauma happened before this relationship?

That can still be relevant. A current partner does not have to have caused an original injury for something within the relationship to activate it.

Part of the work may involve learning to recognise when an emotional response belongs entirely to what is happening between you now and when an older experience is adding considerably to its intensity.

Will I have to tell my partner everything about my trauma?

Not necessarily. Trauma work requires careful consideration of privacy, safety and what is therapeutically useful to share within the couples work.

EMDR itself also does not always require a detailed verbal description of a traumatic experience. What is appropriate depends on the individual, the couple and the nature of the material being addressed.

Do both of us need EMDR?

No. There is no reason to assume that both partners need the same intervention.

One partner may have a particular experience that is strongly influencing the relationship. Both partners may have relevant histories, or EMDR may not be indicated for either person. The therapeutic plan should follow the needs of the couple rather than the technique.

Is EMDR appropriate for complex or childhood trauma?

It can be used in work involving complex and developmental trauma, but this generally requires more attention to preparation, emotional regulation, stability and pacing.

The objective isn’t to move into trauma processing as quickly as possible. Sometimes the preparation and stabilisation work is itself an important part of therapy.

When would individual trauma therapy be more appropriate?

If somebody’s primary difficulty is their own trauma rather than the couple relationship, or if substantial individual trauma treatment is needed, working with an individual trauma therapist may be more appropriate.

There are also situations where individual trauma therapy and couples therapy can take place alongside one another, with different therapists and clearly defined roles.

I specialise in couples therapy and do not currently offer standalone individual psychotherapy or individual EMDR treatment.

Couples therapy with Ruairi Osborne

My work is particularly suited to couples dealing with longstanding conflict, emotional disconnection, affairs and betrayal, attachment difficulties, trauma and powerful emotional reactions that have become difficult to shift.

I work with couples from my practice in Galway and online with couples in Ireland, the UK, Europe and internationally.

The focus remains the relationship between you. Where trauma or earlier experiences are contributing to the difficulties you are having today, we can consider whether working with those experiences — including, where appropriate, the use of EMDR — might help the relationship move forward.

Tuesday to Friday: 17:00 – 22:00

(Max. of 4 appointments per day)